Mr. Horrible Quotes
Quotes from the fanfiction Mr. Horrible by algonquinrt.
GOD I love good humor. This holds a special place in my heart for opening my eyes to the wonderful word “totes”. Be careful – you’ll be saying it soon too! Again here I’m going to try and refrain from my cutting and pasting the whole g’damn chapter. I love me some Baby Swan and Rich Kid.
The nice parts of having a gay best friend mean that you always have someone who will be honest with you about what you were wearing and whether the new hairstyle looks like shit. Oh, and cuddling without having to put out first. The bad parts, however, mean that if a pretty boy comes waltzing through the museum, odds are he is taking off without so much as a by your fucking leave.
~Bella Swan, There’s A Bench
And who on Earth uses Victoria Secretion as a drag name anyway?
~Bella Swan about Jamie, There’s A Bench
It is O’Keeffe; everything looks like a dick or a vagina.
~Edward Cullen about the exhibit he’s about to meet Bella outside of, There’s a Bench
Most people go through the gallery like my mother and I are : a slow and steady walk, not stopping too long or rushing past too fast at any single piece of artwork. I imagine if there is a god anywhere, he, she, or it thinks we look like fucking ants in an ant farm in our single line maintaining the same pace. Then you see her, criss-crossing across the gallery, bumping in and out of the line and wrecking the traffic pattern.
~Edward Cullen about Bella, There’s a Bench (I fell in love with this Bella at that precise moment)
Oh, I swear I’m going to try not to do this again but this piece of conversation is just too fucking hysterical not to post verbatim.
“I asked if you liked goat cheese. I’m willing to share my fucking fantabulous sandwich with you on one condition.”
“A condition?” He cocks one eyebrow at me and sort of smiles using one side of his mouth more than the other. How fucking cute is that?
“Well, sort of two conditions. One is that you can help me get a Snickers bar. We can share it, but I totally didn’t pack any dessert today.”
“I can manage a candy bar, I think. What’s the other condition?”
“Rich kid, hello? Not just any candy bar. A Snickers. Packed with peanuts and shit. I might allow you to get me a Snickers Almond which we all know is really just a Mars Bar, but it has to say Snickers.”
“Snickers it is,” he agrees. “What’s the other condition?”
“I need a way to get home. You can loan me a cell phone or call your driver for me because I know you have one or whatever. I just don’t want to sit here all damn day.”
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s a Bench
“Rich Kid, you got a name? I don’t need the whole thing… just the shit before ‘the Fourth’ will be fine by me.”
~Bella Swan, There’s Dessert
“Do you have something against people with money?”
“Yes. Jealousy.”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s Dessert
“You know,” I say, “you didn’t tell me your name. I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that your parents are artists, and named you something like Rainbow or Moon Unit or Pilot Inspektor. Can I call you Pi?”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Dessert
“So they bring me home from the hospital as Baby Swan.”
“Wait,” I have to interrupt. “Baby Swan? They named you after a bird?”
“No, you fucking idjit, they didn’t name me after a fucking bird. That’s my last name. Swan. Bella Fucking Swan.”
~Bella Fucking Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s Dessert
“So let me get this straight, Baby Swan.” (He is not going to let this die, is he?) “You make a living doing other people’s jobs and spend your free time writing about other people’s characters. And I’m the one not thinking for myself?”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Drag Show (aaannnd that’s where I fell in love with Edward)
Mary Alice Brandon is a complete and utter fucking wacko. I say that in the nicest way possible, but girlfriend is batshit insane. For starters, there’s her job. She has the craziest-ass job I’ve ever known anyone to have: she’s a fragrance chemist. Can you believe that shit? She sits at a desk, in front of a computer, and comes up with chemical compounds and shit that make things smell like something they aren’t. Like that fucked-up candle you bought at the mall that smells like sugar cookies and makes you so hungry you would swear you just smoked a fattie? Yeah. All Alice.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Drag Show (Best.Description.Of.Alice.Ever. Holy crap.)
“I dunno, Alice. He makes me think. There aren’t a lot of people out there who make me fucking think, you know? Him being hot is just like putting frosting on a fucking brownie. It’s awesome and shit, but all the stuff that really turns you on is already there, underneath.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Drag Show (PS – things I want my future SO to say about me someday)
“Well, om nom fucking nom.”
~Alice Brandon, There’s a Drag Show
Jasper, of course, is too fucking busy making goo-goo eyes at Alice to have given me any back-up here at all. So much for the old bros-before-hos crap. He’s fucking gone.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Drag Show
“Baby Swan,” he says, “I fucking love drag shows.”
“Damn, Bella. First kiss at a drag show. That’ll be one to tell the grandkids.”
“Shit, Alice, at least I can tell my grandkids that we met at an art gallery, at an O’Keeffe exhibit. You two will have to confess that you met at the drag show. Try getting out of that one, bitch.”
~Edward Cullen, Alice Brandon and Bella Swan, There’s a Sleepover
It’s then that she notices Rich Kid and I see her eyes widen as they rape Edward from head to toe.
~Bella Swan about James/Victoria, There’s a Sleepover
“Straight. Mine. Fuck off.”
~Bella Swan to James about Edward, There’s a Sleepover
“Oh my fucking god, Rich Kid. You’re serious, aren’t you? You own the biggest goddamn site in the universe? The one people post their drunk and puking pics on and announce their break-ups on? Fucking hilarious. Daddy Warbucks must be so proud.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Sleepover
“Why are you suddenly calling me by my given name when you’ve been referring to me as Rich Kid all day?”
“You aren’t really a trust fund baby. The name doesn’t fit.”
“Yes, I am a trust fund baby. I have a huge trust fund, in fact. So huge I could cash it out and you could swim in it.”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s a Sleepover
“Look, Rich Kid, I don’t know what kind of cock-knobbery you’re into, but this fucking piece of electronic evil has been going off for fucking twenty minutes. Someone thinks something is awfully important to be forcing my ass out of bed at eight on a fucking Sunday morning.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Sleepover
“Fuck me running, Baby Swan. Kanye? Seriously? No, I’m not worried about what they are going to think of you. I’m more afraid of what you are going to think of them.”
~Edward after Bella puts on Goldigger to narrate their drive to his parent’s house, There’s Brunch
Little trust fund babies that look like Edward and fuckhot geezer Edward in my bed by the time I’m forty.
~Bella daydreaming after meeting smoking hot Edward Carlisle Cullen, There’s Brunch
I have never in my life seen a spit-take at this table, but Carlisle managed to soak his shirt and his napkin with coffee as my mother glared daggers at him.
~Edward Cullen, There’s Brunch
“Son, you are completely and utterly fucked. You may as well enjoy it.”
~Carlisle Cullen, There’s Brunch
Fuck. I’m crying. This stupid, wealth-hobbled, model-worthy, ovary-conspiring toasterfuck has made me cry. I do not cry. Ever.
~Bella Swan, There’s Brunch
Will Mr. Horrible please report to the ticket counter? Mr. Horrible? Your party is here to meet you.”
And to think I was worried about my mother not liking Bella. Bitch went and gave her ammunition.
~Intercom at the planitarium and Edward Cullen, There’s Brunch
“Um, not much, but why do you call Alec ‘Mr. Wonderful?’”
~Eleven year old Edward Cullen being caught listening to sister Rosalie’s conversation about her boyfriend, There’s a Star Show
“If you breathe a word to Mother and Father about this, I will kick your weenie little ass into next week, Edward. And don’t worry; no girl is ever going to be referring to yours as ‘Mr. Wonderful.’ From what I’ve seen when you forgot your towel, ‘Mr. Horrible’ would be more like it.”
~Sixteen year old Rosalie Cullen to Edward, There’s A Star Show
“And then your mom tells me the cutest fucking story. And I can picture this 15-year-old kid who’s self-conscious enough to worry that there’s something wrong with him, and there I am, this fucking poster child for the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon for Nuclear Fucking Fail, and I get a glimpse that maybe, somewhere inside this perfect guy, is that kid who could identify with a fuck-up like me”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Star Show
My hands are clawing at her back like if I could just get her close enough, I could get at all that self-doubt and yank it from her, leaving only the swagger of the Baby Swan who demanded I drive her home and buy her candy.
~Edward Cullen during a kiss, There’s A Star Show
“For what it’s worth, since I haven’t seen it yet, it didn’t feel horrible at all.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Star Show
In case there are some of you who aren’t aware, as I wasn’t, at 5:30 AM, it is still dark outside. At 5:30 AM, the birds haven’t even started to make noise yet, and if you don’t think that’s unholy, imagine being woken at this ungodly fucking hour to have this walking bit of sex tell you he has to go into work.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Monday
Edward Anthony Cullen the Not-Quite-Second, Placelikehome CEO, has a request in there. I note he’s already added me as a friend, the sneaky fuck. Must be nice to have the code at your fingertips. No, the rat bastard has requested to add me as his girlfriend. Confirm or deny? A quick look at his profile shows him now listed as “in a relationship,” with over 1000 comments beneath the status change.
I’m trying not to hyperventilate. If he could add himself as my friend, he could have added me as his girlfriend, too. He’s giving me an option. An option to have 1000 fucking people comment on my relationship status, that is.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Monday
Edward, I think I’m going to marry that girl.
~Jasper Whitlock on Alice, There’s a Monday
So, baby brother, I hear you’ve managed to bring home The Girl With Whom Our Parents Are Well Pleased.
~Rosalie Cullen, There’s a Monday
“Jesus Double Stuff Christ, Beauty. Hood is up? Socks are on? Chica, how can things be so bad you are wearing socks?”
~Emmett McCarty, There’s Wallowing
“Come out of bed and I’ll make you mac ‘n cheese ‘n tuna for dinner and you can tell me all about the big mean boy who pulled your hair and made you cry.”
~Emmett McCarty, There’s Wallowing
“Look, Beauty, you know he loves you. He just thinks with his dick. All guys do. He’s just more of a… thinker… than the rest of us.”
~Emmett McCarty about James, There’s Wallowing
“EdwardCullentheNot-Quite-Second.”
~Bella Swan, There’s Wallowing
“Fucking-A, I’m so busy blowing sunshine up your ass here, the flowers will die from lack of rain.”
~Emmett McCarty, There’s Wallowing
Actually, when I look at the whole picture, maybe I shouldn’t have ever been born in the first place, thus avoiding today ever happening in the first place.
~Edward “Melodramatic” Cullen, There’s Wallowing
“Edward, darling, what is a ‘spork?’”
~Esme Cullen, There’s Wallowing
Would I like to add additional details? Does the fucking Nile run North? Of course I want to add additional details.
~Bella Swan, There’s Wallowing
“Edward picked me up at an art gallery when my BFF drag queen abandoned me for a piece of tail. After taking me for coffee and Snickers pie, we had our first date at a drag show, after which he asked me to be his girlfriend via a social network.”
Sounds a bit like crackfic, but hey, sometimes the real story is funnier than anything else.
~Bella Swan, There’s Wallowing (this is just pure, epic win. Fanfic humor and…well, Mr. H humor)
I hear a distinctive thump as Jasper bangs his head against my desk.
~Edward Cullen, There’s Wallowing
Emmett McCarty has managed to pull me off Baby Swan while eating pizza; he hasn’t even put his slice down to deal with me .
~Edward Cullen, There’s Wallowing
“Rich Kid, what the fuck?”
~Emmett McCarty, There’s Wallowing
“Do you think Esme and Big Daddy Carlisle and the Wicked Bitch of Loch Ness would like to meet me at the pageant instead of brunch? Then we wouldn’t have to worry about Laurent knocking over a KFC for the spork/napkin/wet wipe trifecta.”
~Bella Swan, There’s Piano and a Lightbulb (Wicked Bitch = Rosalie)
“No, Jasper, I’m stating that your mother raised you better than this. You abscond with a true lady, fuck her completely senseless to the point where she shits nothing but rainbows and unicorns, and lack the manners that should have dictated you speak with her closest friend here as proxy for her family. Do you feel you’ve properly introduced yourself and declared your intentions with regard to Miss Brandon or have you instead acted like a randy boy at a frat party?”
~Bella Swan, There’s Piano and a Lightbulb
“Edward, Jesus God, is she always like that?”
“Pretty fucking much, Jasper. Welcome to the world of Baby Swan.”
~Jasper Whitlock and Edward Cullen, There’s Piano and a Lightbulb
And fuck me, if I thought Rich Kid was hot just walking around like the sex on a stick that he is, listening to him play is enough to make me want to beg him to bend me over the piano bench and have at it.
~Bella Swan, There’s Piano and a Lightbulb
“You are bringing the court of Marie Antoinette to a pageant for the Third Estate? Bella, you should know better. Or is this a test? If he doesn’t bolt after getting down and dirty with the drag queens in front of his family, he’s a keeper?”
~James/Victoria McCarty, There’s a Bitchy Queen
Christ on crudité, Mitt-Mitt has just introduced himself—and me by default—to Rosalie Cullen. By grabbing her tit and assuming she was a man. My day has already gone to complete shit and it hasn’t even started. Fuck. Me. Hard.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bitchy Queen
I think we should all be so brave as to take off our masks in public.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Bitchy Queen
Rich Bitch packs a serious punch, and I wonder if she’s got Esme’s lipo fat stored somewhere in the house for later soap creation.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bitchy Queen (Fight Club reference ftw!)
“Bitch, please. Underneath all this fucking pretty, I am still a man, and I have no qualms about hitting a chick who hits me first. And I wouldn’t even fuck up my acrylics to do it.”
~James/Victoria McCarty threatening Rosalie, There’s a Bitchy Queen
Virgin. Temp. Fag hag. Failure.
~Bella Swan after James/Victoria has ripped her to fucking shreds, There’s Confession and Patron
“Because we need to talk about this, Bella. If I walk out of this apartment right now, I know I’ll never see you again. I’m not ready to accept that.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Confession and Patron
“Bella Fucking Swan, I’m begging you. I think Baby Swan is amazing, but I think I can fall in love with Bella. Will you let me?”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Confession and Patron
“I told you I Googled that shit. You have your own fucking Wikipedia entry.”
“Did you edit that, Baby Swan?”
“Yes, I made sure that the whole world knows your dick is named Mr. Horrible.”
I panic. “You didn’t!”
“Jesus, Rich Kid, of course I didn’t. I did edit it to make sure they are aware your mom carries a flask, though. And some serious updating is in order now that I know your sister is really a man.”
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s Confession and Patron
“Oh my god, you fucknut, are you kidding me? Frenching your gay boyfriend is fine. Frenching your straight guy friend is not. Get with the etiquette of the sexually retarded here.”
~Bella Swan explaining why James and not Emmett was her first kiss, There’s a Bitchy Queen
“I want to give you flowers and candles and satin sheets and all the romance novel bullshit, Baby Swan.”
“I’m a good tequila, Hello Kitty sheets kind of girl, though, Rich Kid.”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s Confession and Patron
My fucking god, she was beautiful. In five seconds, she went from beautiful angel in the throes of orgasm to angry harpy.
~Edward Cullen after he’s taken Bella’s virginity mid-orgasm, There’s Confession and Patron
“Bella? Sweetheart? Is it getting better?”
“Sweetheart?” she shrieks. “Are you fucking kidding me? You fucking impale me, ripping me apart, possibly destroying any potential for future childbearing, and you call me fucking ‘sweetheart?’”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s Confession and Patron (Let me assure you that this is taking place entirely at Bella’s will LOL. She’s just…Baby Swan)
“Baby Swan, you may ask me anything. Though I’ll admit this “Edward” business is concerning me.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Confession and Patron
“Rosalie lied. You are someone’s Mr. Wonderful.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bitchy Queen
“Your freak of a brother—who could wake fucking roosters—got me up at some ungodly hour that I’m pretty sure qualifies as “still nighttime,” so I’m going to lay down over here on the fucking floor and take a little nap while you decide whether or not I’m qualified to work at the company that seems to exist solely for people to post drunk pictures and, in return, get ads for diet nonsense shoved in their faces.”
~Bella Swan to Rosalie, There’s a New Job
“I’ve known him a week. How could I be in love with him? You don’t fall in love with people in a week unless you are in a Lifetime movie or a romance novel. Or, you know, a fanfic.”
“Bella, sweetie… even trite shit has to be based on reality somewhere.”’
~Bella Swan and Alice Brandon, There’s a New Job
Christ on a bicycle, this sex shit is complicated. All these years I thought it was just “insert tab A into slot B” and here I am, screwing things up for the second time in as many tries. There are a lot of rules here. Rule number one is to not yell in the middle of it, and I get that. I have no fucking clue what rule number two is, but I’m afraid I’m about to find out.
~Bella Swan, There’s Ethiopian Food
“Baby Swan, will you please come the fuck over here and let me hold you?”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Ethiopian Food
“Rich Kid, you are way too fucking nice to me. I’m starting to worry you are gonna go all Ted Bundy when I least expect it.”
I laugh, but I know that she just hasn’t had enough people love her for exactly who she is, flaws and all. James wants to keep her exactly as she is. Emmett wants to protect her. Alice wants her to find the right man, thinking that will finally make her happy. And fuck me if I don’t want to be that man, the one person who finally loves her exactly as she is while letting her figure out who she wants to be.
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s Ethiopian Food
My fingers are tempted by his face, and I let them move to his eyebrows, which, quite honestly, could use just a wee bit of manscaping.
~Bella Swan, There’s an Oral Fixation (hells yes, commentary joke ftw)
I’ve read enough fic to figure this out.
~Bella Swan, There’s an ORAL Fixation (I totes did that – tried shit I had only read about in fic)
“I’m not sure if I’m up to learning that my ‘girl juices’ don’t taste like fucking honeysuckle when I lick them off your face, so we can save that lesson for next time, if that’s okay.”
~Bella Swan after learning that spunk doesn’t taste like candy, There’s an Oral Fixation
Edward is wrapping himself in a towel when he spots the text on my underwear, and immediately pushes me against the wall next to the sink, his mouth attacking my neck like some fucking vampire.
“A 413 error, eh, Baby Swan?” he breathes into my ear. “Requested entity too large? That message could seriously go to my head.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Rich Kid. My panties are talking about your ego.”
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s an Oral Fixation
He has the day off today for some parent-teacher conference bullshit, and I have no idea why. He teaches kindergarten. They color, right? Do ABCs? What do you have to discuss? “Little Johnny refuses to color inside the lines.” Well, rock on, Little Johnny.
~Bella Swan, There’s an Oral Fixation
“Edward Anthony Cullen the Not-Quite-Second, I think you are pretty fucking fabulous. I think your parents are amazing to make it through all that and still end up together, and I think you are amazing yourself to share all that with me, just to make me feel a little bit better.”
~Bella Swan, There’s Beer to Choose
She needed to hear it; needed to hear that you can create a family out of anything if that’s what you want, but I had absolutely no idea why I told her that much. Would it have been enough to tell her that Rosalie was adopted and my birth mother wasn’t in the picture? I’d been afraid she would bolt, wondering how my dysfunctional mini-Brady Bunch ever worked out in the end. Of course, I’d been stupid. She was Baby Swan. Her best friend was a drag queen and she’d been raised with said queen and a conspiracy theorist. Apparently, that doesn’t leave a lot of room for a clear definition of “normal family.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Beer to Choose
“If you’d like to thank me for showing you the stash, Bella, you can give this number to your friend Emmett. Now that was a hot hunk of man meat, and I’m pretty sure I’d know exactly what to name his cock.”
~Rosalie Cullen, There’s Beer to Choose
Baby Swan finds it amusing that everyone stereotypes Alice as some type of fairy-like creature when in reality she’s pretty strange and quite imposing when she wants to be.
~Edward Cullen, There’s Beer to Choose (me too!)
“Jasper?” I try to interrupt. Zero response.
“Jasper?”
Still nothing.
“Big’un?”
Ah, that gets his attention. He may think that Alice hasn’t told me about sex with him yet, but he’d be very, very wrong.
~Bella Swan, There’s An Ambulance
“Sir, there’s no bird.”
“I’m not looking for a fucking bird. I’m looking for Baby Swan.”
~EMT and Edward Cullen, There’s An Ambulance
“Then this morning I figure out that I haven’t gone a day without seeing you since I met you. We’re together fucking constantly and then I’m in your office and your sister was nice to me and she starts talking to me like the fucking Oracle or some shit and I really want to take the red pill, Rich Kid. Seriously, I do. But I’m so fucking scared.”
~Bella Swan, There’s An Ambulance
“I’m in love with you, Baby Fucking Swan. I passed out because I realized I’m in love with you. So take the goddamned red pill already, because I’m dying over here.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s An Ambulance
I’d probably pass out too if I came to the conclusion that I was in love with me, so I can’t blame him one bit.
~Bella Swan, There’s An Ambulance
Sweet Crispy Christ, I’ve been so busy trying to picture my grandmother in her underwear to get rid of my hard-on that something has happened to Bella and I had no idea.
~Edward Cullen, There’s TNC
Fucking A, are we a matched set of stupid or aren’t we?
~Edward Cullen, There’s TNC
I notice that my place setting has a single set of silverware while everyone else has the requisite eleventy forks, spoons, and knives. He also brings me a ginormous mug for my coffee, unlike the tiny bone china cups everyone else is using. Rich Kid scowls at him, and I hear Laurent’s chuckle letting me know that I’m receiving preferential treatment. Edward is jealous.
~Bella Swan, There’s TNC
“You know, Edward,” he says, “it isn’t a terrible thing to come into work late in order to get some wake-up sex. What concerns me, however, are the number of times you don’t seem to make it back into the office after lunch.”
~Jasper Whitlock, There’s TNC
“Wow, Edward, you really do know how to woo a girl, don’t you? You seriously told her you loved her while you were laying in a hospital bed wearing a gown that showed your ass?”
~Jasper Whitlock, There’s TNC
Fucking men. Fucking Saturdays. Fucking seven o’clock wake-up bullshit.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Garden Club (PS – the preceding scene with Jasper and Edward is high-fucking-sterical)
“Baby Swan? In my mother’s handbag will invariably be some Xanax. Don’t take more than two, okay? Laurent is driving and most likely carrying bail money. He’ll take care of you.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Garden Club
Who knew Alice was going to be such a fucking pain in the ass?
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Garden Club
I know I’m in trouble the second I step into the limo. On one side is Esme. On the other side is the Crypt Keeper in a pillbox hat.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Garden Club
“Are you fucking my grandson in hopes of getting yourself in trouble and snaring his trust fund, Miss Swan?”
“No, actually, I come from circus people. Your grandson is fucking me because I can wrap my ankles around the back of my neck.”
“You may do, Miss Swan. You may very well do.”
~Granny Platt and Bella Swan, There’s a Garden Club
I’m bringing my boyfriend’s mother and a human raisin to the drag show tonight.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Garden Club
I hear a loud cackling I’ve only heard twice in my life. The first was when I saw the movie Sleeping Beauty, and the ultimate cock-blocker of all time, Maleficent, pulls off one of her evil schemes. The other time I’ve heard that cackle is when something amuses my Grandmother Platt.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Garden Club
“Edward?” she bellows. “Esme, love, is that Carlisle’s Edward?”
Ah yes, Grandmother. Let’s not ever let Esme forget my true parentage. That would be too kind.
~Granny Platt and Edward Cullen, There’s a Garden Club
I’m not one to hit a girl, but well, she’s trying to gouge my eyes out with her acrylic nails, and she does have a dick under that dress.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Garden Club
I’ve died, and there is apparently a hell just for circus freaks, because I’m totes there. I am experiencing a moment here that is too fucking unreal to be believed involving a California Raisin (drunk), a society matron (see above), a drag queen, a conspiracy theorist, a snooty rich bitch, the CEO of a hot Internet property, the CTO of the above-referenced company, and me. We have been kicked out of a gay bar, and things cannot possibly get more surreal, right?
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bailout
“At this point? Both of you can fuck off. Jamie, Rich Kid is right. The only way you would be happy is if I hagged for you forever. I need more than temping and managing your make-up case to be a well-rounded person. I love you dearly, but I can’t hide behind your size 14 platforms forever…Then there’s you, Edward. Always thinking you know better than me. What makes you think, in the time we’ve been together, that I need you to fight my battles for me? You planned this whole damn thing, from conspiring with Alice to whatever the fuck you did to poor Jasper today to make him look like the Queer Eye guys got hold of him, without ever once asking me what I wanted, or how I thought handling Jamie should go. I’m not an imbecile, and I can fight my own damn battles.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bailout (I fucking love you Baby Swan)
It’s amazing what 900 years of prescription drug and alcohol abuse will do to a person.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Bailout
Edward looks up at me, his eyes beseeching. They tell me that he’s sorry. That he knew better. That he won’t do it again. I know he’s full of shit, because he’s absolutely going to do it again. He has the right motivation for his actions, but his implementation is eight shades of asstard.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Bailout
I will never be happier or more content than I am with Bella. I fall asleep holding happiness in my arms.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Bailout
The cake is already done and cooling when Edward makes his appearance, somehow managing to look fuckable even when rubbing his eyes and scratching his stomach. I’m sure he’s about two seconds from killing the hotness with a sack scratch when he sniffs the air.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Mutiny (PS – pretty sure Rob would still be hot to me even scratching his sack)
“You’re…. in… my…. shirt.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Mutiny
“The shirt. Fucking. Stays. On.”
Okay, then, Caveman Kid.
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s a Mutiny
He wants me like that: passionate and unexpected. I want him like this: equal footing, or at least as equal as I can get considering the metric asston of money he comes along with.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Dinner Party
Jesus 12-Step Christ, I feel like I’m inflicting a lot of damage on this family. In only a few weeks, Rich Kid has gone from cringing at doing a shot without training wheels to swigging from the bottle, something I don’t even do.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Dinner Party
I know that I’ve got two fucking pints of Mission to Marzipan, and I’m tucking into one of those fuckers right now. I’ve already been fired today, and if I’m about to be dumped by my boyfriend, I’m sure as shit going to have a spoonful of Ben & Jerry’s in my piehole when he does it.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Dinner Party
“Birkin? It’s a fucking monster. What is it? Did you actually find Nessie in a pet store?”
“Rich Kid, calm down. First of all, it’s no monster, and it has no interest in eating human flesh. Second, you did tell me I could get a fish.”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan discussing their new pet fish, There’s a Dinner Party (HA – BD humor, I love it)
I watch her at the aquarium with Alice and Jasper, poking the glass to harass her fugly-ass fish, and ponder how seamlessly she filled the hole in my life I had no idea that I even had.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Dinner Party
I thought he would devour. Instead, he savors.
~Bella Swan, There’s Retro Underwear
“It’s actually a hat for Mr. Horrible, Rich Kid. He looks cold, all naked like that. Poor little guy doesn’t even have his parka to keep him warm.”
~Bella Swan after Edward finds a knitted baby hat in her bag, There’s Retro Underwear
“She said she’d been waiting for me her whole life and everyone else was just an experiment so she’d know me when she saw me. Does that not beat all?”
~Jasper Whitlock on Alice, There’s Retro Underwear
It’s like everyone expects me to be this fucking fantabulous cook and shit all the time because my parents were flakes. Like a seven-year-old becomes a gourmet chef? No, asstards, she learns how to open a can. From whom exactly was I supposed to have learned to cook?
~Bella Swan, There Are Pot Pies (Apparently a petpeeve?)
Going on the assumption that the glory of a pot pie has never passed the lips of either Rich Kid or his sister, do I start them off slowly with the Banquet or Swanson? Or do I introduce them to the crème de la crème Marie Callender? It takes me a few minutes of deliberation before I decide that Rosalie wouldn’t want anything but the best. Marie Callender it is. Plus, this way I only need to get three for Mitt-Mitt instead of five, since they’re bigger. He won’t want to look like a pig in front of her.
~Bella Swan, There Are Pot Pies
What do I say? You’re fired, but we’d still like you to come to dinner? I’m telling Mother on you? Maybe I should rat her out to Grandmother Platt. She seems to like Bella quite a bit…
~Edward Cullen, There Are Pot Pies
“Don’t worry about it. That nickname from you stuck. For your information, however, Bella has assured me that it’s pretty fucking awesome.”
~Edward Cullen, There Are Pot Pies
“Do you know that a single pot pie has over 900 calories, 60 grams of fat, and a whole fucking day’s worth of sodium?”
~Emmett McCarty, There Are Pot Pies
“It says there are four servings.”
Bella looks right at her and points her spoon. “Bitch Sis, if you can stop after eating one-fourth of that container, I will move out of your brother’s apartment tonight and never speak to anyone in your family again.”
~Rosalie Cullen and Bella Swan discussing Mission to Marzipan ice cream, There Are Pot Pies
“Rich Kid, do I need to break out the Midol? I fail to understand why me not wanting my trash cluttering up your fucktabulous apartment means I don’t want to be with you.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Ring
I want to try being a grown-up for a change. I want to learn how to cook Rich Kid dinners for real, out of fresh ingredients. I want a bedspread that matches the drapes in the bedroom, and towels that match the shower curtain. I want someone to teach me how to do all this shit that my damn parents should have taught me, so I can be the person Edward really needs in his life instead of the quirky girl who’s fun for a while, but he can’t take to the company Christmas party.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Ring
Obviously, our choice of setting for this conversation is beyond poor, because people walking by start to stare as Bella bursts into loud, gasping sobs. I pat her back gently, hoping that the gawkers see me as concerned boyfriend instead of “man causing distress to sobbing young woman.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Ring
I snort, realizing I just half-proposed to a woman whose wardrobe consists mostly of homage to an animated skeleton, and then turn to toss the shirt at her.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Ring
Once he turns around, though, I’m pretty sure that any idea of putting the pajamas on has gone right out the window. I see the look in his eyes, and he’s striding toward me before he even knows what he’s doing.
Trouble is, we aren’t done with our conversation, and this talk is some serious fucking business that needs to take place. So I do what any smart girl would do when standing in her undies being stalked by Edward Fucking Cullen the Not-Quite-Second. Or you know, not: I scamper away from him, clambering onto the bed and arming myself with a big-ass pillow.
“Baby Swan? What are you doing?”
The tone of voice should scare me, and I see we are back to Baby Swan from Bella. Serious business talk has flown right out of his head along with the blood flow, apparently.
“Edward!” I totes pull out Mama McCarty’s scolding tone. “We’re having a talk here.”
“No, Bella,” he corrects. “We were having a talk, until you decided to strip down to pink fucking underwear. Pink! We’ll talk later.”
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s a Ring
I know I told you I wouldn’t copy and paste whole conversations, and I did not lie. This conversation gets funnier. Go read it!
“Bella, none of that is important. Do you really think I’d rather have someone who’s good at meaningless small talk and as a baby-making factory, than someone I have fun with and laugh with and can’t wait to talk to every second we’re apart? What matters is the everyday shit. If we decide at some point we want kids, then we’ll figure out how to get them. And I’m not worried about any damn parties. What I want is you, not the bullshit that everyone looks at like a fucking picture. You.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Ring
I’m scrolling through my contact list trying to find the number when I remember that I have this one listed under 666. It makes more sense that way. She answers on the first ring.
“I have that CallerID thing on my phone, boy. Why would you be calling me at such an unholy hour of the morning?”
This is a trick question. I’m fairly certain she sleeps only an hour a night, and that is done hanging from the ceiling beams in her house by her claws, so I couldn’t have woken her.
~Edward Cullen and Grandma Platt, There’s a Ring
“Is this something I should wear out?”
He stops and my eyes go from messy hair, skipping past his face, which may still be angry about the Crocs, to the scoop of the beater, where I see fine chest hair peeking over the top, to the low-slung jeans, to the boots, which he hasn’t seen fit to tie. No, this is not something he should wear out. Never. No one else should be allowed to see anything this fuckhot in the wild. He might burn out their eyes like staring at the sun.
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan after Bella purchases Edward new clothes, There’s a Beater and Docs (Imagery – like jesus omg)
In Baby Swan’s mind, though, I can apparently look the part of the bad boy: the one who would wear the black boots and wife beater and probably walk around with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Beater and Docs (someone is channeling GQ shoot Rob)
She bites her lip, which means she’s thinking. Which means I’m royally screwed.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Beater and Docs
Mostly, I’m planning to fix things with us. We need to be equals. He moves me in and wants me to feel like I belong, but he’s wrapping me in cotton batting to make sure I don’t rattle around. Sometimes, you need a little rattling around. I plan to rattle the living hell out of his cage tonight.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Beater and Docs
When he walked into the kitchen, he looked feral, like a predator waiting to take down his next meal. For a minute there, I thought I was seeing the return of Caveman Kid, as the muscles flexed in his jaw as he tried to control it. Trouble is, he did control it, and began touching me like a china doll, when I’d prefer he club me over the head to have his wicked way with me.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Beater and Docs
You’d think after she just got me off, I’d be somewhat immune, but the feel of her riding me combined with her breasts being at near-perfect mouth level have me feeling like a 17-year-old virgin.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Beater and Docs (I like this because it automatically makes me think of Twilight Edward and Bella)
In the time it’s taken me to think through all this, Edward has taken the world’s fastest shower, and comes back into the bedroom starkers. Ordinarily, I’d want to leap off the bed and lick every last drop of water off him, but I’m more interested in observing the behavior of a nutbar in the wild.
~Bella Swan, There’s Puke
“Baby Swan, are you trying to scare me to death?”
“No, are you?”
“Am I trying to scare myself to death?”
“No, you asstard! Are you trying to scare me to death? What the hell is with the ridonk ninja routine this morning? Have you left your company in favor of a career as an assassin?”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s Puke
“Edward, what are you and Bella doing a month from Saturday?”
Christ on a pin-up calendar, is he kidding? I have no idea what Baby Swan and I are doing tonight for dinner, and he wants to know about a month from now? No way.
~Jasper Whitlock and Edward Cullen, There’s Puke
“Look, you are my best friend. The second Alice said ‘yes’ the first person I wanted to tell was you. The only problem is, I somehow knew you would do this. You are so hell-bent on believing you aren’t good enough for anything that you make yourself crazy with it. Half the time, you think the board wants to replace you, your sister wants to kill you, your mother wants to forget you were even born, and your girlfriend—who for some unknown reason thinks you are successful and confident—wants to break up with your ready-for-Bellevue ass. At some point, you need to realize that you are young, apparently attractive to women, the CEO of one of the most successful Internet companies out there, inexplicably making money hand over fist, have parents who love the living shit out of you, and have a girlfriend who thinks the sun rises and sets on your fucking command. Man the fuck up and finish this! Quit fucking hiding, and tell Bella how you really feel.”
~Jasper Whitlock after Edward pukes in reaction to Jasper’s announcement that he’s marrying Alice, There’s Puke
That didn’t exactly sound the way I thought it would in my head, but fuck if Rich Kid isn’t here in the middle of the day with Jasper. They are sitting way too close on the couch and Jasper has his hand on Edward’s shoulder, staring intently into his eyes as he tells him to man up and tell me the truth.
~Bella Swan, There’s Puke
“S’not fair that I gotta be ‘sposed to diseases an’ shit but I don’ getta fuck you for realz.”
Southern gentleman goes right out the window as Jasper loses control and starts laughing. He’s laughing so hard he’s downright sobbing.
“Edward?” He calls over to the couch. “Edward, I do believe that Ms. Swan feels I am queer as a three-dollar bill and have seduced you away from her.”
~Drunk Bella Swan and Jasper Whitlock
I want to punch him right in the fucking face, but I’d probably break my hand.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Fight (Hmm, maybe not Baby Swan, Rich Kid just isn’t as solid as Jacob Black lol)
“Assumed begins with ass, which is exactly what you are, Rich Kid. Only question I have now is where the fuck am I supposed to go now that my apartment is gone? Jesus Cardboard Box Christ. I’m going to have to power up my laptop in the fucking library.”
~Bella Swan after Edward assumes she’s writing all the family gossip, There’s a Fight
Rich Kid, always elegant, gapes at me before yelling, “Mother, what the ever-loving fuck have you done to Baby Swan?”
~Bella Swan and Edward Cullen, There’s a Change in Plan
“Sometimes, Miss Bella, we want exactly what we have. When it’s threatened or it changes, we react with anger.”
~Laurent after Edward storms out hearing Bella made their extravagant meal, There’s a Change in Plan
I haven’t gotten any farther than the front porch when I hear—no, sense—him. He’s sitting on an uncomfortable-looking wicker chair yanking on handfuls of hair while he mutters to himself. I let out a choked laugh; as fucking insane as I am, all it takes to drive him right off the ledge is a conservative dress and a slightly gourmet dinner.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Change in Plan (have I mentioned how much I love the imagery?)
I sigh. One of these days we’ll find ourselves on the same page and it will be such an incredible moment of bliss that the world will implode. Until then, it looks like we may be stuck with cold dinners, someone crying, and fights. At least we are getting to the point of talking about our need for a relationship Rosetta Stone. All we need now is to find it, and life will be as perfect as I can imagine it being. I’m so comfortable with Baby Swan that sometimes I forget we are still so new at this couple thing. Surprises aren’t always interpreted correctly.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Change in Plan
“So, Baby Fucking Swan, would you please, along with your fish and your Tequila of Truth and your wallowing gear and your White Trash Cookbook, make me the happiest nerd alive and agree to become, at some point yet to be determined, Mrs. Edward Cullen the Not-Quite-Second?”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Change in Plan
“Then yes, Rich Kid, I would love nothing more than to keep you in trashy dinners, fugly pets, and a constant state of chaos as your wife, Ms. Bella Swan-Cullen The Fucking First.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Change in Plan
“I sincerely hope, future Mrs. Edward Fucking Cullen with no hyphen– which is what I’ll be calling you in the bedroom no matter how you sign things—that you really want what you asked me for.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Black Lace Undies
“Looks like I outsmarted you this time Birkin, snarfer snarfer snarfer!”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Black Lace Undies
“Edward? Seriously? We are really engaged? Or is this some fucked-up dream? Because I have this ring, but then again, I have a naked boyfriend making ‘neener, neener’ noises at my fugly fish, which really leans toward the ‘I had too much chocolate before bed’ kind of a dream.”
~Bella Swan, There’s Black Lace Undies
How fucking nerdy is it that I’m procrastinating by doing work?
~Edward Cullen, There are Phone Calls
“I will be damned, though, if I don’t marry the most perfect girl that can possibly exist for me simply because she can’t have babies.”
~Edward Cullen after Rosalie expresses her doubts, There are Phone Calls
He’s quiet, that is, until everyone starts drinking. I’m really starting to think that the government had the right idea with Prohibition judging by the impact alcohol has on gatherings that involve my family. In the time since the drinks began flowing, the golfing has become sloppier, the company has become chattier, and I’ve become steadily more embarrassed. I can only hope the other golfers can’t hear the conversation here, which is ranging from circumcision to drag queens to Baby Swan’s mother. Who is apparently “hot” but “vapid.” I’m fairly certain both Emmett and his father say “I’d hit that” with regard to her.
~Edward Cullen golfing with Jasper, Carlisle, Emmett, James and Mr. McCarty, There’s Cake but no Ice Cream
“Look, I love her exactly how she is. Fucked-up clothes, batshit crazy taste in pets, and all. The one thing I want more than anything in this world is to make her happy, and I plan on trying my goddamned best to do that. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say here to make me sound like I deserve her. Truth is I probably don’t, but she wants me, and well, I’m going with that.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s Cake but no Ice Cream
I open the next gift, which the card says is from Laurent, and completely lose it. He’s given me a service for eight in some silver pattern, including salad forks, shrimp forks, and—Jesus Paul Revere Christ—sporks. Sterling. Silver. Sporks.
~Bella Swan, There’s Cake but no Ice Cream
“Beauty, for once, I’m not being a selfish queen,” he argues. “Look around you. Look at the faces of all these people, except for Sir Pussy Whipped over there, who’d do anything you asked him to, including giving you fucking organs and shit. Everyone in this room loves the hell out of you, even that old bitch over there who looks like someone left her in the oven too long. All we want is to be there if you really are bound and determined to hitch yourself to this socially inept walking bank account. Please don’t deny us that.”
~James McCarty after he’s protested Bella’s announcement that she and Edward will elope, There’s a Compromise
Rosalie, bless her icy little heart, is sorting gifts into “Things Edward and Bella Might Actually Use” and “Things Edward and Bella Wouldn’t Recognize Even with a Manual.” Guess which pile is bigger?
~Bella Swan, There’s a Compromise
We have a wedding to plan together, yet between the two of us, we aren’t sure where normal people are supposed to get kitchen shit. We are so incredibly fucked.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Come to Jesus
“I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I feel like you complete me in a pathetic chick flick kind of way, but what the fuck are we doing this for? You are a baby. A fucking 23-year-old should not be getting married, much less to a sterile fuck-up like me. You are going to wake up one morning and realize you wanted kids or a sowing-oats period or some shit.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Come to Jesus
“Fuck the statistics, Bella. Seriously. The statistics also say that the majority of Internet companies will fail, yet mine seems to be doing pretty damn well. I’m not a damned number in a study. I’m a person.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Come to Jesus
I don’t blame him for being angry and feeling like I’m shortchanging him at every turn. He’s right. I am. I’m so focused on the negative and the what-ifs that I forget to enjoy the ‘what’s nows.’” I vacillate back and forth between overconfident Baby Swan and shivering ninny Bella so fast I’m probably giving the poor boy whiplash.
~Bella Swan, There’s a Come to Jesus
“Actually, I’m thinking that I’m the luckiest girl in the whole damn world. That’s what the fuck I’m thinking. I walked into an art gallery as a Jamie accessory and walked out to land some kind of soulmate shit that you only hear about in fairy tales.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Wedding
“Answer one question for me. If I say you aren’t doing the right thing, is that going to have any impact at all? Will it change your mind? What would you do differently?”
I think about what she’s asking me. If she tells me I should run out of this house right now and never see Edward again, what would I do?
“Not a thing. I’d feel bad you weren’t going to be my matron of honor, but I’m sure Jamie would love that fucking dress.”
~Alice Whitlock and Bella Swan, There’s a Wedding
She looks like a fucking angel. Well, an angel who might be at a Reverend Horton Heat show, but an angel nonetheless.
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Wedding
“Bella, she’s singing fucking Nine Inch Nails. At our wedding. I know those lyrics.”
“Yes, Edward, but doesn’t ‘I want to fuck you like an animal’ sound much classier in German?”
~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, There’s a Wedding
“I hope to spend the rest of my life with you, Edward, as equals. I want to grow up with you, not just grow old with you. I want to be able to take care of your cracked-open bits when you come to major realizations. I want us to grow and change, but still have exactly what we have now: this thing that keeps us coming back no matter how many times I pack up my crap in grocery sacks and storm out. I want to still be laughing my ass off with you when we are serious fucking geezers in a nursing home and have no teeth. That is why I want to marry you, and all that sickness and health shit just comes along with it. I fucking love you, Edward Anthony Cullen the Not-Quite-Second. That’s all.”
~Bella Swan, There’s a Wedding
The judge nods his head, acknowledging that Bella’s verbal diarrhea counts as her vows
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Wedding
“You’ve changed me for the better, as well as my family. Everything is brighter. I have a possibly homicidal fish, a constantly emptying bottle of tequila, and a never-ending supply of frozen food products in my freezer. I never want any of that to change. Every morning I can’t wait to wake up and see what you will bring to my day, because it’s never the same thing twice. And I hope like hell you’ll still be surprising me—and loving me—when I’m as old as Grandmother Platt.”
~Edward Cullen, There’s a Wedding
“You aren’t supposed to consummate the marriage during the ceremony, you idjit.”
~Alice Whitlock
Alice’s toast has a lovely poem I forget as soon as she’s said it, and Jasper tells stories of a Rich Kid I’ll never know: a shy man afraid of revealing too much of himself. I don’t know that man, so Jasper’s toast is quickly forgotten as well, and I’m distracted from my meal when Jamie wrenches an ice bucket away from Granny Platt, who’s apparently determined that the SIGG doesn’t hold enough volume for her use of the champagne fountain.
~Bella Swan-Cullen, There’s a Wedding
“I don’t need traditional. I just need you. How many other girls are so fucking lucky to have a husband who will take them to get whatever they need, whether it’s a Snickers bar or a visit to the Globe, hmm?”
~Bella Swan-Cullen, There’s a Wedding
