Wide Awake Quotes

Wide Awake – Favorite Quotes

A chapter by chapter list of my favorite quotes from Wide Awake. I’m all about the words. If a fanfic makes it onto this website, it’s more than likely because the words fucking blew me away in some way shape or form. Sometimes it’s wit, sometimes it’s beauty, sometimes it’s angst…and sometimes it’s just fantastic imagery. Anyway, you can bet it’s a pretty g’damn lengthy list. Did I type out Edward Cullen every fucking time because I like typing the word Cullen? Yes, I did thank you for asking!

Fucking nighttime. I loathed this time of day. Much like a bad piece of Russian literature, it was long as fuck, and boring as hell.

~Edward Cullen, Gingerbread Zombies

“If you’re going to get all fucking fetal on my five thousand dollar couch, at least have the decency to take off your shoes.”

~Edward Cullen, Bloody Newtons

Edward doesn’t exactly play well with others.

~Alice Brandon, Double Fudge Rendezvous

So fucking cute.

~Edward Cullen on Bella, Double Fudge Rendezvous

If I went out that door, it would mean I was officially pathetic, and Edward Cullen had the sickest kind of power over me.

~Bella Swan, Maniacal Mints

Finally, I woke up once again to the screeching of my alarm clock. I let out a frustrated, agonized scream and pounded my hands into my teary eyes before finally shutting the sound off.

~Edward Cullen, Maniacal Mints

I showed her mine. Tit for tat. Blood for Fire.

~Edward Cullen, Caramel Comforts

Sick Edward is a fucking pissy Edward.

~Edward Cullen, Caramel Comforts

That afternoon, Alice was subjecting me to her favorite brand of hedonistic torture. Shopping.

~Bella Swan, Bittersweet Butterscotch

This was the only thing I had. I couldn’t dress up and impress him with my body or flirting abilities, but I could definitely make him good food. And if it even got a smile out of him, it would be enough for me.

~Bella Swan, Bittersweet Butterscotch

This girl is going to be the death of me.

~Edward Cullen, Bittersweet Butterscotch

“Get my ass sick, and I’m calling Stanley to tell her you need a sponge bath, fucker.” Jasper exclaimed as he entered the car, slamming the door behind him. I shuddered and sent him a very pointed look. Not fucking cool.

~Jasper Hale and Edward Cullen, Bittersweet Butterscotch

I did plenty of stupid shit thanks to Jazz and his party runs. Like coke… and Stanley… and coke off of Stanley. I was new, and impulsive, and looking for a good drug to keep me awake. So they happily obliged.

~Edward Cullen, Bittersweet Butterscotch

Edward was confused, possibly disoriented, swaying when he stood, and the most alarming change in his behavior by far, he was being polite.

~Bella Swan, Triple Toffee Twilight

I was so fucking warm. I was hugging warm. Warm was hugging me. Definitely warm. I took a long, deep breath. Something smelled really good. Familiar. I moved closer to the warm and nuzzled something soft and silky. The warm smelled really fucking good. Like cookies. And flowers. And the warm made the softest little snoring sound…

~Edward Cullen, Shockolate Chip

I figured it was best to give some sort of disclaimer. ‘Caution: Edward Cullen is really good at fucking shit up. Continue at your own risk’.

~Edward Cullen, Shockolate Chip

So I broke the rules. Because her monster won, and nothing I ever did could be worse than that.

~Edward Cullen, Wrathful Walnut Fudge

She had a perfunctory ten minutes in the bathroom every morning. Doing whatever the fuck it is girls do in the mornings. Brushing her teeth or hair, or plotting to save baby seals or some shit.

~Edward Cullen, Wrathful Walnut Fudge

I found that I was a morning person. Who knew?

~Bella Swan, Wrathful Walnut Fudge

This just made me laugh louder, because he was trying so hard to sound intimidating wearing little cartoon Scoobies all over his legs.

~Bella Swan, Scooby Snacks

And something made my girl Wrathful. That is one fucking random emotion.

~Edward Cullen, Scooby Snacks

I ended up going to town that afternoon. Because I had to buy some new fucking pajamas.

~Edward Cullen, Scooby Snacks

“Balls flying at Stanley’s head. Just sounds like another day to me.”

~Jasper Hale, Fudge You Alls

Whoever invented the term ‘It’s not polite to hit a girl’ has clearly never fucked Jessica Stanley.

~Edward Cullen, Fudge You Alls

If looks could kill, I’d be scraping up my girl’s corpse from that gym entrance.

~Edward Cullen, Fudge You Alls

Holy fucking Christ.

~Edward Cullen, Fudge You Alls

“I’ll never be able to touch a man. I’ll never have a first kiss, I’ll never get married, and I’ll always hate bitches like Jessica fucking Stanley who can and take it all for granted.”

~Bella Swan, Fudge You Alls

No more angry, no more sad, and no more bitter.

~Edward Cullen, Fudge You Alls

“I Hate Jessica Stanley And All Her Slutty Friends For Making Me Feel So Crappy In An Underfunded Gym Locker Room Cookies”

~Bella Swan, Black Leather Ladyfingers

Invisible was my comfortable skin.

~Bella Swan, Black Leather Ladyfingers

By the time he was finished eating, I was fairly certain he killed the shirt.

~Bella Swan, Black Leather Ladyfingers

“Don’t fucking leave me.”

~Edward Cullen, Black Leather Ladyfingers

Suddenly, Jazz pounded his fist on the table with a loud ‘slam’ that shook the food tray and nearly spilled his milk.

~Edward Cullen, Black Leather Ladyfingers (I just LOVE the imagery of this moment)

“And because you’re a prick.”

~Edward Cullen about why Jasper can’t meet Bella, Victorious Vanilla Vixens

He had a green toothbrush. I kept brushing, cocking my head to the side at it. It was just sitting there in that holder all alone.

~Bella Swan, Victorious Vanilla Vixens (Again – imagery)

One second I was slopping towards the lab table, the next I was landing face first on the cold floor with another disgusting ‘splat’. I didn’t move at first. I just closed my eyes and laid there in my own self-induced puddle, sparing myself a few seconds to loathe my existence.

~Bella Swan, Sourly Cinnamon

I rolled my eyes at the loud rap music they were playing. Because the Forks suburbs were so gangsta…

~Bella Swan, Sourly Cinnamon

Just waiting for Edward to come so I could take what I could get. And trying with all my might not to imagine what he was giving her.

~Bella Swan, Sourly Cinnamon

Brandon was coming tonight, and Jazz needed a wingman. And unfortunately, I was that motherfucker.

~Edward Cullen, Sourly Cinnamon

Because it looked right sitting there next to my green one. All fucking little and blue. Even our toothbrushes were tit for tat.

~Edward Cullen, Sourly Cinnamon

So much better than cotton candy.

~Edward Cullen, Sourly Cinnamon

I wanted to pull on one and let it go and watch it bounce back up. And I felt like a fucking idiot.

~Edward Cullen about the shiny fucking curls, Oatmeal Determination

Once Bella was situated, I rolled over and scooped her up, and plunged my hands into all those shiny fucking curls, breathing them in with a sigh while she buried her head into my chest.

~Edward Cullen, Oatmeal Determination

I sat there for a while before I felt the bed next to me sink down on either side. Then I felt four arms surrounding me. Esme and Alice. They sat there with me while I cried, and I heard sniffling suggesting that Esme was crying too.

~Bella Swan, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (BPOV) (Amazing, sad imagery)

“You fucking promised me.”

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (BPOV)

“I’m ready for bed now.”

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (BPOV)

I was thinking that even though my virtue was supposed to mean something, I couldn’t quite remember why.

~Bella Swan, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (BPOV)

Edward Cullen.
November
My girl.

~Edward’s Scetchbook, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (BPOV)

By ten I had put my foot down on the shiny fucking curl situation. I refused to let them control me.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (EPOV)

And the sound of her soft little moan made me harder than Jessica fucking Stanley and Lauren Mallory combined.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (EPOV)

When I made it to her neck, I began sucking and licking and just fucking enjoying the shit out of turning switch on.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (EPOV)

She was a hormonal teenage motherfucker too. Tit for fucking tat.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (EPOV)

I fucking hated timid clicks. I’d take a fucking slam over a timid click any day.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Brandy Snaps (EPOV)

Because I saw her face and I just fucking knew. The switch wasn’t on or off. It didn’t even exist anymore.

~Edward Cullen, Bye-Bye Bps (EPOV)

I got stares and glances from people, silently insinuating my mental stability left much to be desired. And they were probably correct. And as Edward would say, I really didn’t give a shit.

~Bella Swan, Rocky Road Reprieve

Why can’t dresses have hoods?

~Bella Swan, Rocky Road Reprieve

I stepped out onto my balcony and stared at the lattice, wishing she was climbing up it in her black hoodie. I was fucking pathetic.

~Edward Cullen, Rocky Road Reprieve

There was no night, and there was no day. It was just one big lump of shit running together.

~Edward Cullen, Rocky Road Reprieve

And while I was eating them I was saying goodbye and letting go. Just in case. Just in fucking case history repeated itself and she didn’t want to be my girl anymore.

~Edward Cullen, Rocky Road Reprieve

I had nothing at all to lose.

~Bella Swan, Cocoa Hidden Middles

I took a moment to appreciate the skill required to accomplish such a climb in my condition. I could barely stand.

~Bella Swan, Cocoa Hidden Middles

My feet were dangling off the ground, and I was so happy he had the strength to hold me up, because all of mine was gone.

~Bella Swan, Cocoa Hidden Middles

“I missed the shit out of you.”

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

“I missed the shit out of you too.” I slurred, still smiling, and just happy that it was even possible to smile again.

~Bella Swan, Cocoa Hidden Middles

“Wake up. You’re fucking lazy.”

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

She fucking came back. And even more than that, she still wanted to stay with me. She looked so tired and worn. I hated seeing my girl so broken. When I saw her at the door, the switch was still gone, and even with that goddamn hood up, I still wanted to kiss her all over and fucking beg her to stay. But she took my hand on her own. I didn’t need to beg. And I was pretty fucking thankful for that, but I would have done it anyways. But I had to hug her, and I had to smell her, and I even had to kiss her neck a little too. Just because I was so fucking happy to be able to.

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

And waking up next to Bella and watching her sleep was one of the best moments in my entire life.

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

And I figured I could just come out and ask her what the fuck was going on, and I could probably run away from whatever she told me because I was scared shitless that it would ruin everything. And if I really needed to, I could fully appreciate the fact that I was completely and entirely dependent on her. Not just her company, or her fucking delicous food, or the fact she made me sleep, but just her. That was some scary shit.

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

And if she wanted to kiss me senseless, I would do it right back to her. Because the switch was gone, and my girl was beautiful.

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

And I hoped that soon, she’d let me see her middles so I could stop being so fucking confused. And whenever I found out exactly what my middles were made of, I’d show her mine.

~Edward Cullen, Cocoa Hidden Middles

And the janitor closet is now color coordinated.”

~Alice Brandon, Malted Chocolate Smiles

Jasper was my second favorite guy, and I didn’t want to compromise that fact with a really bad case of T.M.I.

~Bella Swan, Malted Chocolate Smiles

I was trying not to read too much into it. And probably failing rather miserably.

~Bella Swan, Malted Chocolate Smiles

The epiphany almost made me choke on my fucking noodles. My girl never had a switch for me. And I was so busy trying to keep mine off, I never fucking realized it.

~Edward Cullen, Malted Chocolate Smiles

It felt like I was doing shit so ass backwards. We already slept in the same bed every night. We had already kissed and made out. And just now, I was trying to take her out on some fucking quasi-non-date. Confusing was the fucking understatement of the century.

~Edward Cullen, Malted Chocolate Smiles

I slid comfortably under the covers and turned the lamp out quickly, still kind of impatient about the whole touching the curls situation.

~Edward Cullen, Malted Chocolate Smiles

I just kept rubbing her little cheek with my thumb, trying to tell her with my eyes how much I thought it was true, and how lost it made me.

~Edward Cullen, Malted Chocolate Smiles

“I hate that fucking hood.”

~Edward Cullen, Frosted Pecan Patience

And I was going to have to eat a massive amount of crow. Because I kept telling him it wasn’t like that. And now it fucking was.

~Edward Cullen, Frosted Pecan Patience

“Jasper! You’re lover is here.”

~Rosalie Hale, Frosted Pecan Patience

“I’m really going to need you to channel your inner non-prick for this conversation.”

~Edward Cullen to Jasper Hale, Frosted Pecan Patience

“We can’t just date like two normal fucking people. Because we aren’t.” Then after a pause. “Normal.” I clarified. Then after another pause.”And because your girlfriend will fucking castrate me.”

~Edward Cullen to Jasper Hale, Frosted Pecan Patience

“It’s a quasi-non-date.” I muttered with a small shrug, deciding I liked that term for the occasion. Jazz let out a loud chuckle and shook his head, mouthing the words ‘quasi-non-date’ in amusement.

~Edward Cullen, Frosted Pecan Patience

I smiled back and just fucking shrugged, in a gesture that clearly said, I wouldn’t mind adding that to the routine.

~Edward Cullen, Frosted Pecan Patience

Yeah, I had read all those books before. The only reason I didn’t own them in my own collection is because I thought they were shitty. But my girl liked them, so I wanted them on my shelf.

~Edward Cullen, Luscious Sugar Licks

She had the most petite little pale collar bones sticking out from behind her jacket. I wanted to lick them. Quite fucking thoroughly.

~Edward Cullen, Luscious Sugar Licks

Finally, I reached the promised land of the fucking sexy collar bone.

~Edward Cullen, Luscious Sugar Licks

“What cookies did you make tonight?”

~Edward Cullen, Luscious Sugar Licks

There was some kind of silent rule about not kissing once we were in bed. I wasn’t sure what it was related to, but I was always followed it.

~Bella Swan, Candy Cane Surprise (Just makes me snicker)

“Bullshit. You can’t bitch about Christmas gifts.”

~Edward Cullen, Candy Cane Surprise

He let out a hollow chuckle and shook his head, still gripping his hair. “I knew I’d fuck this up.” … “Just fucking leave, Isabella. I’m not stopping you.” He choked.

~Edward Cullen, Candy Cane Surprise

“That was highly fucking unnecessary.”

~Edward Cullen, Candy Cane Surprise

“It’s the best fucking thing anyone’s ever given me.” He said simply. Something was telling me he wasn’t really talking so much about the ring itself, as much as the fact I was giving him my heart.

~Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, Candy Cane Surprise

I wish I could love her in the way she deserves. Take her out in front of the world and tell them all about how she made me feel. But instead I’m just a fucking shell of a soul. Holding on to her with every fiber of my being, and praying to God that she would wait, and she wouldn’t be doing it all in vain.

~Edward Cullen, Candy Cane Surprise

“…impatient fucking bastards….. too fucking old for that shit….thirty minutes….. perfectly good sleep.”

~ Edward Cullen, Mocha Desperation Sensations

As much as I tried to deny to myself that a gift such as love could result in such a reaction, I knew better. And I hated that I had to regret telling him.

~ Bella Swan, Mocha Desperation Sensations

My hurt and disappointment was quickly growing into resentment each morning I had to wake up to my almost dreams in his almost embrace.

~ Bella Swan, Mocha Desperation Sensations

And for the first time ever, I wished she would put the hood on and just fucking hide her hurt from me. Because I couldn’t take it away.

~ Edward Cullen, Mocha Desperation Sensations

She never did shit half ass. It was an admirable characteristic I envied quite thoroughly. Because half ass was something I found I was really fucking good at.

~ Edward Cullen on Alice Brandon, Mocha Desperation Sensations

The tugging was pulling me to her so strongly that I couldn’t fucking take it anymore.

~ Edward Cullen, Mocha Desperation Sensations

And I just fucking smiled against her lips too. Because how could I not when she smiled like that? At me. For me. Because of me.

~ Edward Cullen, Mocha Desperation Sensations

I fucking basked in it.

~ Edward Cullen and the new foreign emotion, Mocha Desperation Sensations

It was hands down the happiest fucking moment of my entire existence.

~ Edward Cullen, Mocha Desperation Sensations

I didn’t know what snapped in him, or what brought the whole thing about, but his flame wasn’t gone. And it wasn’t even dim like it used to be. It was burning so brightly that I could feel it in his touch.

~ Bella Swan, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“Happy Fucking New Year.”

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“Too emotionally retarded to feel it back, but really fucking wants to”

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

She rolled on top of me, nuzzling into my chest as all her curls covered my neck and throat while I subjected the alarm clock to all my hatred.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“I can’t fucking help it.” I grumbled sleepily, hoping that she didn’t think I was some kind of fucking freak for just waking up at full attention when nothing had called my soldier to duty.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

I wrestled with the idea of telling him about the new foreign emotion and all the tugging, but then worried that it might commit us to having sleepovers and braiding each other’s hair as we discussed our feelings. Fuck that shit.

~ Edward Cullen on talking to Jasper, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“Aint love grand?” He smirked knowingly.

~ Jasper Hale, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“Are you really that fucking clueless?”

~ Jasper Hale, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

Yes, but it’d be nice if you didn’t rub it in my face, you fucking prick.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

Answering questions with questions. It was just so fucking… Jazz.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

I love Bella.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“Yeah, fucker. That’s what I just said.”

~ Jasper Hale, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

I could probably make a girl cum six ways to Sunday and scream my name, but when it came telling one I loved her, that shit was so far out of my league.

~ Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

This was no ordinary Weird Random Emotional Breakdown. This was fucking chaotic and violent, and just ripping her apart at her fucking seams.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

To hell with any secret. I would have given my fucking life to snap her out of her that.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

A brilliant inferno lighting her eyes and transforming her into a glorious angel of fury. A mother protecting her young. The raw maternal instinct and wrath towards the one who would bring their child harm made her majestic in a way that absolutely fucking demanded compliance. The sight of her magnificence made me gasp. That is what a real mother looks like.

~Edward Cullen on Esme, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

And fucking everybody in that gym was staring at me like I had just sacrificed a virgin or some shit.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection

“I won’t let you fucking touch her.”

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection (BPOV)

I really wanted Jazz to take Brandon away before she put two and two together and realized exactly how close Bella and I were and began looking for the closest instrument to castrate me with.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection (BPOV)

Now the motherfucker had a name. And a face. And I was going to fucking break it.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection (BPOV)

“Yeah, accidents happen.” I smirked in a suggestive tone. I could make plenty of fucking accidents happen. There were stairs in this town somewhere.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection (BPOV)

And curiosity killed the Edward.

~Edward Cullen, Heavenly Hazelnut Perfection (BPOV)

“He’s different.”

~Bella Swan, Coconut Confession Confections

“Because I fucking love you.”

~Edward Cullen, Coconut Confession Confections

And I knew, because I wikied that shit in computer lab that afternoon.

~Edward Cullen, Coconut Confession Confections

“Tell them to stop being so fucking nosy or your boyfriend will shove his foot up their ass.” I smirked.

~Edward Cullen, Coconut Confession Confections

I walked in the door with Esme feeling ridiculously elated despite the rather crappy day I was having. Of course, when Edward Cullen tells you that he’s in love with you and that he’s your boyfriend, it kind of tends to have that effect.

~Bella Swan, Coconut Confession Confections

It was like the Pretty in Pink version of the Spanish Inquisition.

~Bella Swan, Coconut Confession Confections

She was utterly fine with pimping me out to her arch nemesis so long as I wore her crappy girly clothes.

~Bella Swan, Coconut Confession Confections

I was wondering how opposed Edward was to PDA. Like… in front of Jessica Stanley.

~Bella Swan, Coconut Confession Confections

I decided that Edwardly should definitely be an adjective.

~Bella Swan, German Chocolate Inferiors

Jazz and I had a conversation on the way to school. It was strictly a ‘bros over hoes’ speech. I was to keep my fucking mouth shut about what he knew, and he was to save my ass if any castration was going down.

~Edward Cullen, German Chocolate Inferiors

“Are you two sleeping together?”

~Alice Brandon, German Chocolate Inferiors

“You’re going to come over tomorrow night for dinner. Meet Esme officially as her boyfriend.” She said in a matter of fact voice with a smug expression. Like if I didn’t there’d be hell to pay. She stood up then, rocking on her heels. “You’re going to be polite, and you’re going to bring Bella flowers.” She nodded decisively.

~Alice Brandon, German Chocolate Inferiors (love me some bossy Alice)

You’re just so fucking cute when you’re pissed off.”

~Edward Cullen, German Chocolate Inferiors

“Roses?” I asked dryly. Pretty fucking cliché, Brandon would never be satisfied with that shit.

~Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens

He snorted at me. “Alice would never be satisfied with that shit.” He muttered, shaking his head and echoing my thoughts so exactly, it freaked me out a little.

~Jasper Hale and Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens

I was so fucking… disturbed. It was like hearing him read from a Cosmopolitan or some shit. I stared at his smug smirk in equal parts awe and worry. “Jazz, dude…” I started in a disapproving voice, shaking my head slowly. “I think your vagina is showing.” I choked.

~Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens

“Fuck. You. Prick.”

~Jasper Hale, Brown Sugar Burdens

Fucking Jazz and his fucking brilliant floral wisdom.

~Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens

I gulped my glass of Mountain Dew as if God might suddenly answer my prayers and bless it with a fucking alarmingly large amount of alcohol content.

~Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens

Edward didn’t force himself to forget his childhood because it was bad. He forced himself to forget it because it was happy.

~Bella Swan, Brown Sugar Burdens

He was twirling my lock of hair desperately, almost pulling it as it slid around his finger furiously. His lightly stubbled jaw quivered slightly as his tortured green eyes brimmed with moisture. “I thought that candles were romantic.” He whispered in an excruciated tone.

~Edward Cullen, Brown Sugar Burdens (Omg, heartbreaking image)

“Because ‘here, dude, get these’ just wouldn’t fucking suffice.”

~Edward Cullen on Jasper’s Fucking Floral Wisdom, Brown Sugar Burdens

No matter how far I ran or how normal I thought I felt, it was always there, just waiting for me to experience one moment of happiness so it could laugh in my face.

~Bella Swan, Brownie Drop Defeats

…for better or for bullshit…for richer or if we both end up poor bastards… solemnly swear to shove my foot up the ass of anyone who touches you… to love and to cherish you for fucking ever…

~Edward’s Vows in Bella’s Fantasy, Brownie Drop Defeats

It was a definite ‘open mouth, insert foot’ moment for Edward – insensitive Asshole Douche Bag – Cullen.

~Edward – Actually Amazing and Lovely- Cullen, Brownie Drop Defeats

It was so ridiculous.

It was so cute.

It was so… my girl.

~Edward  Cullen, Brownie Drop Defeats Pt. 2

No cookie.

~Edward  Cullen, Brownie Drop Defeats Pt. 2 (Sexy!)

I was so fucking gone.

~Edward  Cullen, Brownie Drop Defeats Pt. 2

Defeating the defeat.

~Edward  Cullen, Brownie Drop Defeats Pt. 2

A unicorn.

A very pretty, white, majestic, non existent mythical creature that everyone talks about, but you never actually see first hand.

That is… unless that hand belongs to a certain Edward Cullen.

~Bella Swan, Macadamia Unicorns

“How could you live with yourself….Just fucking barging in here and defiling the clean and virginal Cullen kitchen like some goddamn savage?”

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

“The kitchen loves me….I love the kitchen….And trust me, Edward….The kitchen really, really wants it.”

~Bella Swan, Macadamia Unicorns

And whether it happened tomorrow or two years from now, my girl and I were definitely wanting some sexual relations.

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

Double Raspberry Walnut My Boyfriend Is So Fucking Skilled That He Got Me Off Through My Jeans With One Hand Cherry Chocolate Chip Delights.

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

Yeah. Total pride fuck.

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

“I can’t possibly fuck up bread, Bella.”

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

I snickered, watching her face grow visibly relieved as she saved the loaf of bread from my gruesome assault.

~Edward Cullen, Macadamia Unicorns

“So, you like unicorns?”

“Very much so.”

“Someone gave her one recently.”

“Two actually.”

“Is that a fact?”

I smirked down at my steak.

Fucking smug all over again.

~Emmett Cullen, Bella Swan, Edward Cullen Macadamia Unicorns

“Fucking cookie.”

~Edward Cullen, Berry Tasty Nibbles

We could just tell when we needed a night to live the reality of our existences. Just a few fucking hours to wallow in the darkness and allow it to spill over.

~Edward Cullen, Berry Tasty Nibbles

I wanted to track her down and spit in her fucking face.

~Bella Swan about Elizabeth Masen, Berry Tasty Nibbles

“The only reason to put a dick in your mouth is because you want it somewhere else.”

~Alice Brandon, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“Tell me I’m not getting an abstinence lecture from Princess Labia.”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“You know an Edward that you both created out of convenience.”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“And he’s the only one in this whole town who has never treated me like a freak.”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“I should have fucking known you two had something to do with this shit.”

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“Take a fucking picture, Hale.”

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“This is why I never talk to girls about blow jobs.” She spoke in annoyance as she darted her eyes back and forth between us. “Someone always ends up crying and running away from me.”

~Rosalie Hale, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

Because her tits were nearly spilling out of that dark red top. I didn’t personally have any complaints with looking at them myself, but I was afraid I would have to commit a small murder spree where any other motherfucker’s eyes were concerned.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

Fucking Brandon and Rose dressing my girl up like a goddamn doll and somehow hurting her feelings in the process.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“Valentine’s Day was created by greedy executives at greeting card corporations to boost a low first quarter sales trend.”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

“Just when I thought you couldn’t get any fucking sexier, you go talking dirty to me about first quarter sales trends.”

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

Who wouldn’t want a lifetime supply of… unicorns on hand. Pun definitely fucking intended.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs

He would never allow it to escalate past a point he felt I may not ready for. Which made him sweet and caring and loving. And sometimes those things also made him a dumb shit.

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2
No, Edward Cullen wasn’t here anymore. I was officially, full on, hormonal teenage motherfucker.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

Because she fucking knew how to do it. She was just saving that shit.

~Edward Cullen on Bella’s surprise hand job technique, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

It was a fucked up notion to be running through my head as I kissed her roughly, but I thought about how everyone else was doing shit like this at that very moment. Jazz and Brandon, Rose and Emmet, and I was sure even Daddy C. was lying somewhere next to Esme. No one does paperwork on Valentine’s Day.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2
“I can’t fucking wait to be inside of you.”

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2 (GAH, fuckhot)

“Je manque toujours de temps” She whispered softly in something that sounded like French. And I was going to have to excuse myself if she started talking all fucking sexy in foreign languages and shit.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

“My time always runs out….Happiness is fleeting.”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

My girl was happy, for the first time in a long time, and she was scared shitless it wouldn’t last.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

“Fellatio?”

~Bella Swan, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

My eyes grew wide as I stared down at her, fucking incredulous and wishing my dick wasn’t twitching as the word fell from her lips. “I don’t fucking think so.” I said in my most believable tone that rang with finality. Because, really, how final can one be when turning down a blow job? And as I thought about how disgustingly degrading it would be letting my girl do something like that, I decided, I could be pretty fucking final.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

It was like… oral bribery or some shit. And not even for her. I was quite possibly the only teenage hormonal motherfucker on earth being guilt tripped into receiving head. Unwillingly…

…Mostly.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

She fucking timed me.

~Edward Cullen, Valentine Pineapple Pairs Pt 2

Now the sweet little tune had just acquired lyrics about bitches and hoes as it echoed in my brain.

~Bella Swan, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

We were becoming one of those gross couples that often made me consider regurgitation.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

She blushed at playing footsie, but she could put my dick in her mouth with no reservations.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

Then my dick was hard. A lot.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

She seriously – sincerely – hugged me for eating her out. It was simultaneously the weirdest and sweetest reaction I would have ever expected from giving oral. It was just… so Bella.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

Then we were both completely naked together.

Me and my girl.

In my bed.

Naked.

A lot.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

Really, we both loved each other. A lot.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

I was a stupid motherfucker for not anticipating that exact reaction, but that didn’t make it wrong and it didn’t make it right.

It just made it… us.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

“I think you missed a spot on my pancreas, Edward.”

~Bella Swan, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

I brought Bella into my arms. Because even though there was big fucking problem standing in the middle of my bedroom, she was the more important issue.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

Because for the only time that night, my girl and I were both thoroughly fucked.

~Edward Cullen, Mysterious Mousse Melodies

I wanted Edward’s bed.

~Bella Swan, Poppy Dipped Darkness

Because my girl would give it all up for me, and I loved her enough to never fucking ask.

~Edward Cullen, Poppy Dipped Darkness (Fucking… most beautiful, saddest moment in the entire book)

I was avoiding that asshole like my girl avoided off-brand baking ingredients.

~Edward Cullen on Carlisle, Persimmon Rest In Pieces (No more Daddy C )

I wanted to pull her up the stairs, storm into the study, stand her right in front of Carlisle and fucking show him what this was causing. I was stronger than her. I could tough this out for as long as I needed. But not Bella. I couldn’t stand seeing her like…

Like the way she was before me. Like I hadn’t made any difference at all.

~ Edward Cullen, Persimmon Rest In Pieces

This was what our relationship had been reduced to. Instead of me just walking her to class, it was seven goodbyes a day.

~ Edward Cullen, Persimmon Rest In Pieces

“Look here,” I paused as I struggled to remember his name. “Ben.” I spat, deciding if it wasn’t his name, it would have to do. “Take this goddamn pen…” I snapped angrily, tossing it onto his empty desk as I narrowed my eyes. “Protect it like it was the only piece of pussy you’ll never get…” He gulped loudly, and I could feel everyone’s eyes on us, but I couldn’t give a shit as the frustration swelled inside of me at his insolence. I leaned in closer to him over the aisle, lowering my voice so only a select few motherfuckers could hear me. “And so help me fucking god…” I growled, making his eyes widen. “If that goddamn pen isn’t in your hand tomorrow, I will break your fucking fingers.”

~ Edward Cullen, Persimmon Rest In Pieces

Fucking slurred.

~ Edward Cullen, Persimmon Rest In Pieces

Comfort your girlfriend, you insensitive fucking prick.

He blinked at me with a blank expression. Because that was a new one coming from the likes of Edward Cullen.

~ Edward Cullen, Persimmon Rest In Pieces

But much like a disgruntled multiple amputee, I was okay in the sense that I was still technically alive and breathing.

~Bella Swan, Biscotti Buy Me Offs

Because I was a little afraid that maybe I was hallucinating from a serious overabundance of Adderall and sleep deprivation. And if Emmett was the one person my mind chose to create, then I was checking myself into the looney bin, stat.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

“You aren’t allowed to kill the women until you have sexually demeaned them for no compensation?…How the fuck did I become so widely known as the dysfunctional one?”

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

“Because shooting hookers and stealing cars in video games is what makes kids normal, Edward.”

~Emmett Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

It felt like five years of hostility and resentment slowly dissolving over shitty ham sandwiches and murdered prostitutes.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

“Well, fuck me.” I drawled, semi-awestruck. “Are we actually knocking now?” I asked, feigning shock at Carlisle as he stood in the hallway and shifted from foot to foot with his hands shoved in the pockets of his slacks. “Is your key not working?”

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

I heard him nervously clear his throat in a silent order to… back away from the neighbor girl.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

What the fuck was he going to do? Rip her off of me? I nearly snorted into her hair at the thought. I doubted he had a fraction of the balls it would take to touch my girl. And if he ever did, he wouldn’t live to see her Random Emotional Breakdown.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

I was all she had. But she was all I had, and goddamn it… I had the options. And I didn’t want them, I wanted her.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

But they weren’t going to win, because I still had my girl.

~Edward Cullen, Ginger Snappy Birthdays

It wasn’t as if I would have allowed them to begin having intercourse on my dining room table or any such thing.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills

Just as with Edward, Esme perplexed me with her odd behavior and defensive gestures, while I simply waited patiently for some explanation to calm my fears. And just like Edward, she never once offered me any, opting instead to keep me at arms length. Close enough to want more, yet too distant to ever believe it was achievable.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills

My smile was good riddance, and I took a shameful amount of pleasure in her alarmed expression as I turned on my heel and exited the lounge, thirty dollars and one painfully cryptic woman lighter.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills

Emmett introduced me as his father, and allowed me to introduce him as my son. It was never questioned, just a fact.

Edward introduced me as Carlisle Cullen, and I introduced him as Edward. It… bothered me to say the least, but I had always been too afraid of inviting trouble to change the dynamic. It was his choice, and he had taken my name after all.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills

As I gazed up at my white ceiling dismally, I spent many moments finally abandoning the impossible ideals I had set for them both. Esme would never be my wife, and Edward would never be my son.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills (Oh, Daddy C…::sniff::)

She still felt so distant, and though I was making every attempt to appear calm, I was inwardly enraged with this Charles. I wanted to find him and use my diligent scalpel skills with abundance.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills Pt. 2

I was surrounded by so much despair and fear that it felt suffocating and made bile rise into my throat.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills Pt. 2

“You mean to compare my son to a deranged sociopathic murderer?” I spat at her, as more of a statement than an inquiry, because clearly she was. Much in the same way she meant to compare me to an abusive misogynist. I fought to ignore the fact that it was the first time I had ever verbally referred to Edward as my son.

~Carlisle Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills Pt. 2 (And that is what a father really looks like – take note Edward)

“I need your help.”

~Edward Cullen, Strawberry Stand-Stills Pt. 2

I had this goddamn practice test mocking me with grammatical errors, and I quickly scribbled down my best guess before moving on to the next bastardization of the English language.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances

“Tough titty, Cullen.” She sniffed and propped her elbow on the back of the couch with a smirk. “That’s what you get for being all advanced placement.”

~ Red Bella, Chewy Granola Grievances

“I’ll remember that when you’re all fucking remedial tomorrow in Trig.”

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances

“If the Porsche dies, you die.”

~Alice Brandon, Chewy Granola Grievances

“Stupid, overpriced German technology,”

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances

“One of us is out of our goddamn minds.”

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances

“You have a history of losing touch with reality, Bella. I don’t.”

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances (you.fucking.prick)

He seriously needed to wake up and smell the sleep deprivation, and wasn’t he the one on drugs?

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances

Well, fuck that and… “Fuck you.”

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances

“Fuck you?…I could try fucking you again, but I’d be saving myself a whole shitload of disappointment if I just fucked myself…After all, my hand never says ‘cookie.’”

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances (I have never wanted to slap the fuck out of an Edward as much as I wanted to slap the fuck out of this one right then)

I’d been bruised and battered and nearly mutilated, and Edward Cullen was not going to make me cry with thoughtless words.

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances

She fucking slapped me.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2 (Damn fucking straight she slapped you)

And it wasn’t one of those girly bullshit smacks either. It almost knocked me over with the force of it, and my cheek was still throbbing in pain and stinging from the outside in. I mean, shit. She really just… slapped the living shit out of me. It really fucking hurt.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

The last thing I needed was my dick conceding to her antics.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

White, red, it didn’t fucking matter. It was all supposed to be mine.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

Once she realized how much better she could do, she’d have no need for a crazy, possibly hallucinating piece of shit like me.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

“I’m your girl.”

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

Please, don’t fucking say it.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

What do you want? A gold fucking star?

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2 (Edward’s not-so-internal monologue at smug White Bella)

“I much prefer silver, but thanks for asking.”

~Bella Swan, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

I held her firmly in place against me, and I wasn’t doing it to keep her there. I was just holding her tight because I was scared shitless that I wasn’t grounded enough to my own body anymore.

~Edward Cullen, Chewy Granola Grievances Pt. 2

I could fight back, and he wouldn’t harm me. I knew I could hit him, and he’d never retaliate because he loved me. I used his own love for me against him… for the purpose of hurting him.

~Bella Swan, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies (self awareness is a bitch – my poor kids)

“This,” he began, still staring detachedly at my lips. “Is what it feels like to be completely fucked.”

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

I had been this broken figure before. There was once a time when I was the victim, and to see myself make Edward – the person I loved and cherished – my victim… was horrifying beyond all comparison. My own personal demons had turned me into one.

~Bella Swan, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

He was conquered.

~Bella Swan, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

My physical safety might be jeopardized by my one-hundred-and-ten-pound girlfriend, and I couldn’t even feel the humiliation that the thought should have granted me.

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“Grow the fuck up.”

~Emmett Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“Fuck you and fuck Bella, and… fuck you for fucking Bella. I’m jumping off the Edward and Bella band-fucking-wagon and taking Rose with me, and if Jasper and Alice have a lick of sense, they’ll follow, because you’re never going to change your shit and it’s not worth it until you do.”

~Emmett Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

He still had those little dimples in his cheeks when he made a sneer, and it really made him a lot less intimidating.

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“How do I fix it?”

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“What. Needs. Fixed?” He ground through clenched teeth, still glaring down at me as I broke his gaze and pondered his question as if it were the last entry on the final exam of my entire fucking life.

~Emmett Cullen and Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“Me,” I confessed in a strangled whisper, searching his eyes pleadingly because I knew how true it was. It wasn’t Carlisle or Esme or Red Bella or White Bella or even the lack of sleep that fucked everything up and made me this way. It was me—all along, it was me.

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

I thought Bella was the medicine, but she was always a band aid. It was so fucking unfair either way.

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

My girl could really rough a motherfucker up.

~Edward Cullen, Desecrated Marzipan Delicacies

“I won’t even waste my stockpile of creativity to insult it properly.”

~Rosalie Hale on Bella’s hair, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

I reasoned, if you can’t feel pathetic after your boyfriend fucks you before promptly fleeing the state, then when can you?

~Bella Swan, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“You are by far the smelliest bitch in all of Forks right now, and if you don’t get your ass up and take a shower, I’m going to physically harm you in the process of forcing you to do so myself.”

~Rosalie Hale, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“Emmett actually spent three hours in town last night hunting down a bag of Chunky Chips-Ahoy cookies, only to eat one and throw them away.”

~Rosalie Hale, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“I threatened various methods of bodily harm if they bothered your sulky-lazy-bitch-time.”

~Rosalie Hale, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

I felt like what I had to offer him here, in this life, wasn’t good enough.

~Rosalie Hale and Bella Swan, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

I was Edward’s Phil. He was my Elizabeth. I victimized him, and he abandoned me.

~Bella Swan, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“You know, this is a bad time for me. Come back when I’m in the general vicinity of something sharp, so I can gauge my fucking eyes out.”

~Edward Cullen to Red Bella, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“We’re not crazy….Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. It’s what makes them so damned crazy….Stop being all…Boy, Interrupted.”

~Red Bella, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“I already had everything I needed right here, Edward. I just needed to find that out for myself.”

~Emmett Cullen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“The fire was electrical, Edward.”

~Elizabeth Masen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 1

“You shouldn’t smoke. And you shouldn’t swear either,” she chided disapprovingly.

~Elizabeth Masen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

“Does this look like a capable mother to you?”

~Elizabeth Masen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

“Well, it’s nice to know my flair for ludicrous fucking dramatics is hereditary.”

~Edward Cullen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

“You somehow figured that four years of state foster care-which, mind you, is burdened with an overabundance of complete fucking psychopaths and under-qualified care givers-was better than being with my mother?”

~Edward Cullen, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

In the bottom drawer – which was clearly his ‘very private hormonal teenager’ drawer – I’d made various appalling discoveries.

~Bella Swan, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

Bella,

I love you. I miss you. I need more time. I’m sorry.

-E

~Edward’s Letter to Bella, Chunky Chips Ahoy Pt 2

“If I get a reaction from a mention of this Edward, then I’m going to address it. If I get a reaction from a mention of clowns dressed in drag, then I’ll address that next.”

~Dr. Carmen, Nilla Wafers Pt 1.

“I’m a mother, dear. Just because you don’t see me, doesn’t mean I can’t see you.”

~Esme Brandon, Nilla Wafers Pt 1.

“You have no idea how hard it is to give someone ‘space’ when you’re only thirty feet away!”

~Alice Brandon, Nilla Wafers Pt 1.

People just don’t realize how vital the human touch can be.

~Bella Swan, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

“Hmm, I’m not sure I’d be copacetic with you throwing out my nudey mags too.”

~Emmett Cullen, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

“See, Bella, there are certain rules when living in a man’s space….Listen closely, Rosie babe….Men hold specific things sacred: porn, the remote-control, the non-existence of tampons, porn,” he accentuated with a glare at me and continued, “alcoholic beverages, and for the love of God, Bella…” he trailed off and straightened from his crouch with a firm stare. “Never ever fuck with a man’s porn,” he finished disapprovingly.

~Emmett Cullen, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

“I don’t like it when people fuck with my man.”

~Rosalie Hale, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

“It’s like you’re shrinking to fit his shoes.”

~Carlisle Cullen, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

“Why don’t you have a cookie sheet?”

~Bella Swan to Carlisle Cullen, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

I was starting over without Edward. I silently conceded there was no other choice. The emptiness from his absence, though lessened, never ceased.

~Bella Swan, Nilla Wafers Pt. 2

She was special and sacred, and I wouldn’t subject her name to being spoken aloud in this fucking hellhole.

~Edward Cullen on why he didn’t tell his mother about Bella, Double-Stuf Oreos

Bella wasn’t gray. She was red and brown and pink and blue and orange and just fucking… alive. There weren’t enough colors in the spectrum to paint her in, but if I thought I could, I’d spend the rest of my life trying.

~Edward Cullen on why he didn’t tell his mother about Bella, Double-Stuf Oreos

“Look, Edward… if this is Edward, and if it isn’t, then I just look like an incredible ass for talking to myself for over two hours.”

~Carlisle Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I spent the hot summer afternoons with my birth father, and the windy Chicago nights with my adopted father.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I wondered, and I fucking died a little inside every second I had to wonder and couldn’t know.

~Edward Cullen thinking about Bella, Double-Stuf Oreos

Motherfucking blaspheme.

~Edward Cullen after saying Bella is “no one”, Double-Stuf Oreos

“Did you love her?”

~Elizabeth Masen, Double-Stuf Oreos

“Do. Not did.”

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I wasn’t with my girl because I was with my mother.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

“You had everything, and you threw it all away for this!”

~Elizabeth Masen, Double-Stuf Oreos

“Well the apple doesn’t fall far from the lunatic tree, does it?”

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

“I love you more than anything in the world, which is why I need you to understand that you can’t help me.”

~Elizabeth Masen, Double-Stuf Oreos

“What would you do if you got the call right this second that your Bella was dead ?”

~Elizabeth Masen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I’d fucking die.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

We cried in unison as we embraced, and I allowed her one last moment to be the mother she had wanted to be but couldn’t.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I was thanking her for Carlisle and Bella and Jasper and Emmett, and even though it took me ten years to see it for what it was, I was thanking her for the gift of her sacrifice. Because even though she was wrong in so many ways, and it wasn’t always perfect, it’d led me to those people and that side of the fence.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I finally realized that being a Cullen didn’t make me any less of a Masen

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

My mother wanted me to have heaven, and heaven was in Forks, Washington.

~Edward Cullen, Double-Stuf Oreos

I was getting sentimental over motherfucking foliage.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons

I was getting sentimental over motherfucking air.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons

“Sup?”

~Edward Cullen’s first word to Daddy C in four months, Monumental Macaroons

I wondered how ridiculous it would be to yank a grown man from a beige arm chair and just… hug the living shit out of him. Probably… pretty fucking ridiculous, I decided.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons

I was getting sentimental over motherfucking furniture. Shit, I really had to stop doing this.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons

Where I gained, I lost. My confidence in my decision hadn’t faltered since I’d left Chicago, but it didn’t ease the pain of knowing that I’d abandoned every single ideal that I’d been grasping towards for the past ten years. It didn’t erase the pain of losing my mother, once and for all.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons

My Body, heart, and mind-he’d wounded them all.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons

I wanted to hug him.

I wanted to kiss him.

I wanted to stab him in the fucking chest and tell him to get the hell out of my room.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons

“Return for a repeat performance of ‘fuck-and-duck’?”

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons

My soul outranked my body, heart, and mind, and it was desperate for the peace required to find its own desire. Edward could wait for it to come to its conclusion. He owed me at least that much.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons

I am so fucking fucked.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

I wished for x-ray vision or super-sensitive hearing or fucking… mind reading.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2 (hehehehehehe)

I’d eat motherfucking dirt for Bella Swan. Dirt, bugs, all of that gross shit.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2 (ooor pepperoni pizza…if you’re a vampire…nm I thought it was funny)

I’d missed so much of everything and now I felt intrusive and excluded-the outsider that I’d always wanted to be, except now, I wanted in.

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

“Just because I was gone, doesn’t mean I wasn’t yours.”

~Edward Cullen, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

It was the sweetest, most annoying thing ever.

~Bella Swan about Esme “adopting” Edward, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

Esme knew what Elizabeth didn’t: your children come first before everything else-grief included.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

I rolled my eyes and pressed myself closer. “I don’t hate you.”

I love you, you melodramatic asshole.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

The look of bewilderment on his face when I laced a finger through one of his belt loops and tugged him forward into the hall with me was nearly comical.

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2 (Imagery!)

“Esme has proven to be… unpredictable. She’ll either kill me or throw us a party. There’s really no telling with her anymore.”

~Bella Swan, Monumental Macaroons Pt 2

“I’ve missed your ‘Edward Face,’ and anyways, I always knew he’d come back.”

~Alice Brandon, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

I loved seeing her ‘Jasper Face’ after all—not that I was conceding to even having an ‘Edward Face.’

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

Edward and I were a given—like rice crispies and marshmallows; when you put them together you get a treat, but separated, they’re nothing but ingredients, bland and tasteless.

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

We were just trying to find that place where we met, connected, and became the same team that had once helped each other, no matter how ridiculous our methods, like my searching for non-existent hair clips, or Edward spending hours attempting to fondle me.

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

“So if you two get married,” he mused while waving his fork back and forth between Esme and Carlisle, “wouldn’t that make Bella and Edward, like… cousins or some shit?”

~Jasper Hale, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

“Alice, Jasper was the one who scratched your BMW,” and quickly shoved a large spear of broccoli into his mouth.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

Jasper’s head lurched upwards, meeting Edward’s avoidant gaze with a paled expression. “Dude… What. The. Fu–“

~Jasper Hale, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1 (IIIIMMMMAGERY)

“I still say you’re one gay midget short of being Springer-worthy.”

~Jasper Hale, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

Esme wasn’t being a total bitch, Alice hadn’t threatened the welfare of my testicles, and Jasper had understood despite my outing him to Alice.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 1

“You’re not going to convince me that you’re some awful bitch, so please, stop trying.”

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“Say something bad about me?”

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“Living up to your skewed interpretation of me is… it’s just so much pressure, Edward.”

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“Crazy person, remember?”

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“I don’t think you’re crazy. And you may not be perfect, but you’re perfect to me.”

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

It was just like us to have our first kiss since my return like this, no fanfare or epic declarations. Just blame hoarding and simple truths over roast beef sandwiches and abandonment issues.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

I was still her total fucking lunatic and she was still my girl.

My unreasonable, confusing, nosy, porn-hating girl.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

Two hours, six eggs, one argument with Jazz that he couldn’t get drunk off the cherry liqueur, and two broken mixers later, I was icing the ugliest fucking cake I’d ever fucking seen.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“It was all Edward!”

~Jasper Hale wiping his hands of the mess in the kitchen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

Endearing. Appalling. Endearing. Appalling. Her lip twitched once, twice, and then it transformed into a bright, disbelieving grin.

Endearingly Appalling, it is.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“The mixer won the battle, but trust me,” I quirked an eyebrow defensively, “I won the war.”

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

She kept blinking and staring before she took a step toward me and replied in an oddly strained voice. “Edward, you’re… you’re covered in chocolate. In… the kitchen, wearing…”

~Bella Swan, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

Like teenage hormonal magnets, we were both standing still one second and colliding in the next.

~Edward Cullen, Flotsam Florentines Pt 2

“Look out for ‘number-one’ before I let ‘number-two’ make us a ‘three.’”

~Dr. Carmen, Secretive Sandies

Every bit of air escaped my lungs, my eyes rolled back, my knees went weak, birds sang, clouds parted, the distant melody of “hallelujah” could be heard—all of that clichéd crap that just basically meant, your tongue rocks my freaking world.

~Bella Swan, Secretive Sandies

Edward – t-shirt + cake batter x (boxing + endorphins) = horny Bella.

It’s an elementary equation.

~Bella Swan, Secretive Sandies

“Fuck you very much!”

~Edward Cullen to Dr. Carmen, Secretive Sandies

Our emotional relationship was a lot like planning an elaborate, Italian dinner: we might spend our morning screwing up batch after batch of pasta, but come six, we’d have it ready, because we’d start over until we got it right.

~Bella Swan, Secretive Sandies

I was a private person, but he was a damned fortress.

~Bella Swan on Edward, Secretive Sandies

“Oh?” Carlisle asked dubiously. “So it’s perfectly normal for an eighteen-year-old male to abstain from masturbation for five months, then?”

~Carlisle Cullen, Secretive Sandies

“Fucking Christ, Carlisle,” Edward hissed under his breath. “Where the fuck did your subtlety and discretion go?”

~Edward Cullen, Secretive Sandies

“Mortifying? You’re telling me about mortifying?”

~Bella Swan, Secretive Sandies

“It’ll be like—” I paused, gnawing at my lip. “Like ripping off a band-aid.” —that ejaculates…

~Bella Swan, Secretive Sandies

The shit I do in the name of love…

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

“Nobody likes a smart ass, Mr. Cullen.”

~Dr. Carmen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

“No one likes a nosy bitch, either, but you get a paycheck, right?”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

Seriously – the entire conversation between Dr. Carmen and Edward puts me on the fucking floor every time. It’s amazing.

“No, my preferred method of avoidance would be telling you to go fuck yourself, which is about one question away from occurring, just so you know.”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

“Oh, you’re fun!”

~Dr. Carmen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

Could I honestly tell Naughty Librarian about fucking my girl like a complete savage?

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

Dr. Bitch was a mindfucker.

~Edward Cullen on Dr. Carmen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

She knew how to use my worst fears against me to get shit done. It was sadistic. It was evil. It was unethical.

It was also so fucking… cool.

~Edward Cullen on Dr. Carmen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

“I kind of want to stab every motherfucker that touches her.”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

“Tantrums are for toddlers.”

~Bella Swan, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 1

I was too fucking incoherent to even muster up an apt analogy.

And I was motherfucking great at analogies. That’s how hard I was.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

In fact, this “sliding business” was officially my new thing. It had been too long. One-half of a hand job in six months was not enough to contain the teenage hormonal motherfucker within.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

Of course, after about five or six more of those delicious fucking hip slides, it was a little like… “What door?”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

What the fuck was I? Twelve and fingering-deficient?

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

And then a little piece of me fucking died and went to Sliding-Business-Heaven.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

“I’m like… this close to vomiting.”

~Alice Brandon watching Edward and Bella cuddle, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

No way in fuck was my girl going anywhere that she described using the words “It’ll do.”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

There’s a big difference between dependency and commitment.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

Getting away from that closet was—at that moment—the most important thing in her world. Her eyes said, “Fuck college, fuck Carmen, fuck ‘normal.’ Get me the hell out of here.”

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2 (Heartbreaking realities of that kind of disorder, omg image)

The “customer” is usually a complete dick and deserves to be told so. Which I’d do. Frequently.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2

I could be Dr. Edward Cullen, Mindfucker, PhD.

~Edward Cullen, Tarty Charted Motherfuckers Pt 2 (Oh, god our little characters are growing up, and it’s beautiful)

At first, he’d been confused and skeptical, a low brow stare and slouching spectacles as he regarded me dubiously, but then, when he realized that I was, in fact, totally fucking serious, he was speechless—well, for about ten minutes—and then I couldn’t get the fucker to shut his goddamn mouth.

~Edward Cullen on Daddy C, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

I begged Bella to help me find gifts for everyone in the house. And by begged, I mean that I cornered her in the shower, got her right on the edge of cumming and screaming my name, and bargained orgasms for gift-tips.

~Edward Cullen, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

“That dick keeps asking me for pens.”

~Bella Swan about Ben Cheney, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

I got a blow job that night.

Good times.

~Edward Cullen on rewards for being accepted to college, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

Her  normal attitude toward sex was “Give me ten minutes to shave my legs, and then you can mount me.”

~Edward Cullen, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

“Hey, you! Come in here and have a shitload of fun, yes?”

~Edward Cullen imagining talking anatomy, Fated Failure Fortune Cookies

However, when the sun rose in the morning, shining through our balcony doors, we’d open our eyes, and we’d be okay. Not perfect, not entirely healthy, not even rational where our love for one another was concerned. Just okay. Merely sufficient, at best. But there’d be only acceptance—never shame—in being two divine failures as we emerged from slumber, perfectly flawed, and wide awake.

~Bella Swan , Fated Failure Fortune Cookies (Wide Awake’s last words. Amazing.)